How to Get the Spark Back in Marriage

Stuck in a relationship rut? Try these 6 tips for rekindling romance

Life with kids is joyful — and exhausting. Finding time for yourselves can feel like an impossible task for busy parents. Between work, getting kids to school and a laundry list of extracurriculars, you’re likely pulled in a dozen directions. Add in household responsibilities, and it may feel like there aren’t enough hours in the day.

“We have our day-to-day routines and responsibilities that soak up our energies, and somewhere along the way, our relationship often slips to the bottom of the list,” says Kristen Ulmer, DO, an obstetrician and gynecologist at Geisinger. “It’s easy to fall into a slump and stop prioritizing one another.”

If your last hot date was with the back of your eyelids instead of your partner, don’t despair. Whether you’re chasing toddlers or navigating the teen years, rekindling romance after kids starts with small, intentional habits that help bring back connection, trust — and a little fun.

Why focusing on each other helps everyone

As parents, it’s easy to put the focus on our children.

“But your relationship with your partner matters, too — it’s the foundation your family is built on,” says Dr. Ulmer. “It’s important for children to learn that the parental relationship came first.”

Just like friendships or relationships with coworkers, your partnership needs attention to stay strong. And when you nurture that connection, it doesn’t just benefit the 2 of you — it helps your kids, too.

“Children absorb what they see,” she says. “When they watch parents communicate respectfully, support each other, model empathy and resolve conflicts calmly, they gain a blueprint for healthy friendships and romantic relationships in the future.”

How to reignite the spark in marriage after kids

Whether new or veteran parents, taking small steps together can help you rediscover each other, strengthen your bond and create a home where everyone thrives.

Here’s how to reignite the spark in your marriage after kids:

Learn your partner’s love language

Love languages are unique ways we most naturally express or receive love. The 5 love languages are:

Acts of service
Words of affirmation
Quality time
Physical touch
Gifts

Once you know what speaks to your partner, plan small, frequent gestures in their love language: a lingering hug, making coffee, an after-dinner stroll or sincere note. A simple “I’m grateful for everything you do for us” might not seem like much, but it can make your partner feel seen and appreciated.

“Taking time to learn your partner’s love language and communicating your own desires allows each of you to have your needs met,” says Dr. Ulmer. “And when love is expressed in the language your partner hears most clearly, connection deepens.”

Date each other

Dating your spouse lets them know they’re a priority. And it doesn’t have to mean a big night out. Sometimes the best moments are the simplest ones: taking a walk together, playing a board game, stargazing in the backyard or sharing takeout and conversation after the kids are in bed can help strengthen your bond.

If you’re looking for a traditional date night, hire a babysitter or call on a helpful relative or friend to watch the children. Then enjoy some uninterrupted time together.

You can also tackle a new activity like ice skating or a paint night to keep things interesting. Or revisit hobbies you enjoyed together before kids. Shared activities promote teamwork and laughter to rebuild camaraderie.

Just be sure to protect this time like a medical appointment and avoid logistics talk. Instead, focus on fun and curiosity.

Pack on the PDA

It’s normal as a parent to feel “touched out.”

“If you have young children crawling on you or commanding your attention, the last thing on your mind might be physical intimacy,” Dr. Ulmer says. To reinforce a closer connection to your spouse, be more affectionate in subtle ways.

Try these ideas to get started:

Hold hands when you sit on the couch
Let hello and goodbye kisses linger
Put your arm around your partner
Rub their shoulders when they’re cooking
Send them a flirty text message

Schedule sex

Has physical intimacy fallen by the wayside? Spontaneity is wonderful but difficult for busy parents. Add intimacy to the calendar to put it back into your routine. By scheduling it, you’re more likely to commit — and having a date for time together gives you and your partner something to look forward to.

“Sex doesn’t have to be spontaneous to be meaningful,” says Dr. Ulmer.

Put your phones down

It’s easy to sit with your phone and mindlessly scroll once kids are in bed, especially after a long day. You may be aware of the time spent with your head down, looking at your device. Or you might not realize you’re even doing it.

Either way, make the effort to put your phones down. Start by leaving them in another room, turning them off or using Do Not Disturb modes. Then, use this time you’d spend scrolling to check-in with each other and reconnect through conversation or quality time.

“Try setting aside 10 to 15 minutes each day to talk without distraction or multitasking,” says Dr. Ulmer. “Focused attention is a powerful form of affection. Your eyes and ears on your partner make them feel seen.”

Ask for help

You don’t need to do everything yourself. If there’s too much on your plate, delegate it. Ask the kids to fold the laundry while you make lunches for tomorrow. Or let your partner handle this week’s grocery shopping. Divide and conquer to lighten the load and reduce your stress.

And don’t forget to thank your spouse and tell them you appreciate their effort.

“Gratitude can shift the tone quickly,” says Dr. Ulmer. “These moments build momentum for reigniting love and respect in a marriage.”

Take time for yourself, too

Besides focusing on your relationship, take time to practice some self-care. Scheduling some “me” time helps you refocus and clear your head — and improves your ability to be present. No matter what the activity is, give yourself a few minutes to do what you enjoy. Because a stronger you supports a stronger us.

Looking for a few ideas? Try:

Going to the gym
Reading a book
Watching your favorite show
Visiting a friend
Devoting time to a hobby

To help yourself and your partner reenergize, Dr. Ulmer offers this advice:

“Take turns with your partner providing care so each of you can do your own thing. This will also foster the strength of the relationship as a whole.”

Rekindling romance: When to seek professional guidance

Sometimes a neutral, trained perspective can help couples break patterns and rebuild trust in a healthier way.

Marriage counseling might be worth considering if you feel stuck in repeated arguments, intimacy has been fading for months, resentment is building or if a major life change — like a new baby, relocation or financial stress — is putting extra strain on the relationship.

A licensed therapist can help you build stronger communication skills, work through trust issues, address intimacy concerns and set shared goals for the future.

“Rekindling romance doesn’t usually happen overnight. Instead, it’s built through small, consistent everyday choices,” says Dr. Ulmer. “Keep it simple, track what works and keep adjusting together to reignite your connection and strengthen your relationship.”